balanced my checkbook today. went to work so that i have money in my checkbook to balance. got there by driving my car, the thing i pay for with checks that i balanced in my checkbook. life seems silly sometimes- endless circles that only drive us around and around even though we are striving to reach the 'top goal'. succeed...succeed...succeed...succeed!!! and yet where does it get us in the big picture- is there even anything that it might effect in another life- do we get another life... have we already had other lives in which we kept whipping ourselves until we were the best there is to be. doesn't seem to effect this life. why strive so hard. why not just accept and love?! suppose that's not our nature. hmm.

I cannot see past the cloudy-ness of my contacts for they are stained with tears. Behind my eyes there lies a brain that can be called nothing but confused. Feelings are running in and out of my mind's spotlight…good ones and bad ones. As I watch them all dance for me… I can do nothing but cry.

t o r n
never more divided by two opposite feelings
sometimes i feel you crawling inside me, your passionate words dancing in my mind
other times, i cringe at the thought of immense contact with you and all you are

forgive me, gentle fellow, as i run away.
i hope to return, maybe someday

wonder what my man of the future is doing today...
maybe he's with his family, having an early thanksgiving
maybe he's traveling
maybe he's cring, laughing, singing, sleeping
maybe he's wondering what i'm doing.
i'm thinkin about you, baby.
i can't wait to meet you!

it smells kinda funny around here.
the walls are crumbling into pieces.
most voices running carelessly with complaint.
not mine ... i love it here.
even though i'm ready to go.

INVESTIGATE A PIECE OF PASSION
TURN THROUGH OLD SILHOUETTES
AND SMEAR MY NUDE
HARMONY ON CANVAS -MAKE IT ART!
IF NOT.
THEN COLOR ME EMPTY

in love
out of love
wanting love
wanting nothing to do with love
i crave your soul, your words, your passion
and yet- not you.
but such harsh considerations would crush you, melt me.
and again, i am torn.
my god i'm disgusting

-Bill, ever gonna retire?

-Naw- not until they hammer the last nail into my coffin.

It's really frusterating to put so much into something, to end up not getting the result you were hoping to. (kinda the opposite of doing crappy work and getting a positive response)... espeically when you're trying to benefit others' happiness and joy and it just gets shut down. (and usually by those who can't control their stupidity and ruin it for thoughtful people, like me) grr. just hate that.

they are so magnificent.
it's why i love winter so much- because of the naked trees that is
especially those ones with the square-ish angles at each bend in the branch.
i love when the snow falls and creates a simple, clean contrast to the dormant strands of bark
i love when the snow occasionally stays on the trees... balancing delicately
truly beautiful.
more proof that everything is art.

The lightening came today
I laid in bed watching it jolt accross the sky
I kept waiting for you
"ROAR" said the thunder
I said 'hello' back
although i don't think it heard me
I am still waiting for you
My hands are empty
I think my heart is too.
I'm laying in bed,
falling apart like the clouds into rain.